{A letter written, but never sent or given | {CLOSED TO: Ship-partners that are given the link

[notworthallthis]

You're looking for something. Something mostly inconsequential, maybe a pen or a piece of paper. You really aren't even trying to snoop. But when you pull open that junk drawer in the desk, something falls on the floor. Not finding what you seek, you lean down to pick up whatever fell so you can put it back, but something catches your eye on it. Curiosity rises and you decide it can't hurt to take a little peek. You two don't have secrets from each other anyway.

It's a letter.
Addressed to you.

If you're going to fall in love with me, here are some of the things you should know first:

• I am afraid of being alone and terrified of letting people in. My walls are high and thick, it's going to take time for them to start coming down, and it may not be permanently gone just because you managed to get through it once.

• When I look at myself in the mirror, I only see the darkness, the clouds in my eyes, the river of blood flowing over my hands. You deserve more than the demons inside my head.

• It won't matter how long you stay, if you're here until your dying breath, I'll probably always be a little scared one day you'll realize you deserve better than this and you'll leave.

• I'm a lover over a fighter if I have the choice, but you have to know I'll always end up pulled back into a fight at some point. I can't walk away when I know I could save someone.

• I can be cold and distant or needy and clingy, and I can't really plan for which way I'll feel. I can't flip it like a light switch. Please remember, it's not something you did. I just have to go through some things on my own.

• Sometimes, I wake up screaming from nightmares that are really just memories resurfacing. Sometimes, it's violent. I don't want to hurt you, but I might not even recognize you. I haven't found a good way to deal with this, except to live alone...

• Sometimes, I'm just sad for no real reason. No specific anniversary date of something tragic at all. It happens.

• I have enough blood on my hands and guilt in my heart that I'm not sure will ever heal. Maybe I'm not supposed to heal, not completely. Maybe the pain stays because I deserve to feel it.

• In general, directions are better than questions. Don't think of it as being bossy or giving me commands. Hopefully it won't feel that way to you, but if it does, just remember... it's better for me. Anything that takes away doubts of what's wanted or needed is better.

• I'm terrible at asking for things I need. Even worse if it's just something I want. I need reassurance, sometimes more than I like to admit. I may not believe your compliments in the moment, but I need to hear them as much as I need water and oxygen. Don't stop.

• Open-ended choices might make me freeze, if you narrow it down to a handful of options, it'll probably work better if I seem like I'm stuck.

• I am touch starved and touch averse at the same time- I crave it and fear it in equal measure. I need you to go slow. I need movements telegraphed so nothing feels too sudden.

• I love richly and deeply. You'll wake up to sticky notes on mirrors and I'll share poetry that made me think of you. I can be intense sometimes, but I think usually it's to my advantage when it comes to those things.

• If I've told you I love you, you don't have to question it because I tried to talk myself out of it at least a dozen times before I even admitted to myself and it probably took me twice that many times before I found the right moment to say it anyway.

If you've made it this far, uh... thanks. It means more than I have the words to explain. If all this doesn't make you want to run far, far away from here... thank you. If you want to talk about any of this, just let me know. I'll try to be as much of an open book as I can.


I love you.
Thanks for loving me, too.

-JBB

Comments

[capnrogers]

[ Steve's heart always seems to want to burst when Bucky looks at him in this way. Would he have been able to stand it when he was younger? Maybe, maybe not. But the here and now is the most important right now, and when Bucky leans into him and tells him he loves him too, everything shifts into place.

The right place.

He nods, leaning into Bucky's touch, kissing up along his neck. ]

I'm okay. I'm always okay, now that I get to be with you.

[But there's more to it than that- at least right now there is. He doesn't like keeping anything from Bucky. Big or small, not ever. They're open and honest with each other, and he respects that completely.]

I guess I'm just... I'm extra emotional because I found something. I was looking for stamps so I could mail some late Christmas cards and I came across a letter.

[notworthallthis]

[There’s another soft noise of approval at the lips trailing languidly up the path of his neck. Dull nails scrape lightly against Steve’s scalp in response. More of that, yes, that’s nice.]

You’re so sweet to me… [He doesn’t always feel like he deserves that sweetness, but other times, like now, he just sinks into the feeling as much as he can.

He frowns slightly, his head tipping back until he’s looking at Steve, upside down from his new position. He squints up at him curiously.]

What letter? [He doesn’t sound angry or upset, just curious; it’s been months now since he wrote it. He’d mostly forgotten all about it, because in the end, he’d decided not to give it to him. He’d find the right moment eventually.]

[capnrogers]

[ More of that... god, he can never have enough it. His eyes flutter closed for a moment at the feel of Bucky's fingers pressing lightly against his scalp, but he has to bring himself back into the present moment. ]

I like being sweet to you.

[He likes being honest too, though, so he'll take however this plays out. When Bucky looks at him curiously, he lets out a soft breath, then pulls back enough to take the letter out of his pocket. He unfolds it slowly, holding it up for Bucky to see.]

This one. It had my name on it so I started reading it, and... I'm sorry. Halfway through I realized that maybe you hadn't intended for me to read it just yet, but... it was so heartfelt. So real and beautiful. I read it all the way through.

[notworthallthis]

[Bucky shifts to face him when Steve pulls back and plucks the paper from his pocket. He frowns a little and takes it to glance it over and the memory of writing it comes back to him.]

Oh… [He breathes the word on a sigh and folds the letter back up, slipping it back into Steve’s shirt pocket. There’s a soft smile on his face as he crowds into Steve’s personal space bubble, tipping his forehead against the other’s.]

I never could decide when or how to give it to you… but I think we covered everything in it in our own way, right? [He tugs his lower lip with his teeth and reaches with his hand to toy with the short hair at the back of his head.] Were there any surprises on there for you?

[capnrogers]

[ The softest smile settles on his lips when Bucky slips the letter back into his pocket. He's glad for it. It means that Bucky does want him to have. He'll hold it close for the rest of his life. Carry it with him through anything and everything.

Bucky moves closer, pressing into his space, and Steve slides his arms around him, resting his forehead against his. ]

I think we've covered everything in our own way, yeah- but it was still good to read it. To know that you trust me with all of it.

[Steve's hands slide slowly up and down Bucky's back.]

No surprises, just... the part about you thinking you don't deserve to heal. I don't agree with that. You are such a loving, caring and incredibly kind person. You love with all your heart, and I know that's why you feel the pain you feel... but you certainly don't deserve it.

I also know you won't believe that... so I'll believe it enough for the both of us.

[notworthallthis]

[When those arms circle around him, it feels like home. Like a plant seeking sunlight, Bucky leans into the touch against his back. Has anyone ever been as loved as he feels right now? He closes his eyes and just soaks in the warmth of it for a long moment.

He lets Steve’s voice wash over him, a gentle wave that soaks him to the bone. Those things are easier for him to hear now, than when he first wrote that letter, but the added reassurance still helps. It always does.

Bucky lets his eyes flutter open and he’s greeted with that soft-eyed, earnest face that still makes his stomach fill up with nervous flutters.]

I love you so much… [His voice is a soft whisper, a quiet secret shared only with Steve.] I’m so glad that you have so much faith in me, even in those times when I feel so lost.

[Suddenly overwhelmed with the emotion stirring in his chest, he buries his face into the crook of Steve’s neck, voice gone, words lost, but, God, the love pours out of him in other ways.

His hand slides gently down the back of Steve’s neck to settle between his shoulders, where he can curl his fingers into the material of his shirt. He squeezes Steve gently in a hug, but it’s more of a question than an action, a silent begging to be squeezed back as tightly as possible— it’s something they’d figured out works really well between them. Finding the little, silent cues that allow him to ask for things, even when he has no idea how to voice them had done wonders for both of them.

Maybe it’s brain chemicals flooding into him that make it feel so good, he really doesn’t know, but there’s just something so satisfying and comforting in a really tight squeeze that only barely doesn’t steal his breath. It grounds him in a way nothing else can.]

[capnrogers]

I love you too. I've always loved you, so damn much.

[He returns softly, that love deeply engrained in every look he gives Bucky. Every expression. It'll always be there, because he always feels it, and he knows he's the luckiest man to have that love returned.]

I'm so proud of you, Buck. It takes a lot to know yourself in this way and write it all down. Share it with someone. You're incredible.

[Steve has all the faith in the world. Even when Bucky had been at his lowest, he had that faith. Bucky's heart has always been unmatched.

It barely takes a moment for Steve's arms to slide around Bucky even more, circling around his back completely. He squeezes back tightly, knowing that's exactly what Bucky wants when he holds him in this way. He's learning Bucky's wants and needs, even when the other is unable to say them out loud. He squeezes tight enough where it almost feels like he could pull Bucky into himself, dropping his head down into the crook of his neck as well, and leaving a kiss there.

Nothing feels better than this. It feels like home.]

[notworthallthis]

"I'm so proud of you, Buck."

[His chest swells in that way that feels a little like it might burst, the silent heave of a soundless sob wracking over his body as Steve's arms circle around him tightly. So tight and warm and, God, how is he supposed to live with this much emotion in him, with no good way to get it out? Words fail him too often, and his actions never feel like enough. Nothing he could ever do, no words he could spout, could ever make him really know that Steve knew how much of him was his and his alone.

Steve held his heart in his hands, and he's never had to think twice about letting it stay there; he knows beyond any doubt, any inkling of uncertainty or doubt, that he would never hurt him.

He's quiet as Steve speaks, soft murmurs in his ear after the he's done telling him how proud he is of him. How amazing he is. And, God, that makes the warm buzzing under his skin seem to light up, warmth spreading across him.

His ear is pressed against chest, listening to the soft one-two, one-two beat of Steve's heart. Steady and strong, a far cry of the scrawny kid picking fights he couldn't win in alleyways.

Slowly, the silent, heaving sobs gently ebb away as lips brush lightly against his neck. Bucky feels himself sinking further and further into the wall of a man in front of him. No words have found him, and he doesn't much want to move, so he just stays like that until Steve wants to shift or move or pull back and look at him. ]

[capnrogers]

[Steve will hold Bucky right here for as long as he needs. He'd hold him tight against his for always if he could. The world has been so cruel to Bucky, and Steve knows that he doesn't need protection, but he does need all the love and care in the world. Steve will do everything he can to give it to him.

And so when Bucky lets out those quiet sobs, Steve holds him even tighter, wanting him to know that it's alright. He can let it out in any way he needs to. He'll be here for him.

Even in this way, Steve is proud. Bucky feels so deeply, so immensely. No matter what happened, he never let that heart of his get taken away.

Steve doesn't really want to move either. He just keeps kissing up along Bucky's neck. He whispers soft words of love against his skin, then presses another soft kiss just under his ear.]

Thank you for trusting me with your heart.

[He says finally, nuzzling into him.]

[notworthallthis]

[For so long, he was the rock in Steve's life, and now their roles are kind of reverse- it's strange, but it's so nice to have someone to (literally) lean on when he needs to.

The tighter circling of his arms around him is welcome, and it lets him sink heavy against Steve until he can finally breathe again.]

There's no one in this world I would trust more with it. [He says softly, tilting his head a little to give Steve more room to nudge his way into the crook of his neck.]

[capnrogers]

[ Steve is more than happy to remain something steady for Bucky to lean into- in every kind of way. The thing is, Bucky's still that rock for him too. He knows it's harder for him to imagine he could be these days, but he is. ]

Then I am so lucky that I get to be here with you.

[Bucky's head tilts, and Steve's lips follow. Soft, warm kisses pressed along all the skin he can reach. Bucky deserves all the affection in the world.]

Now... do you still want your snack, or can I take you to bed?

[notworthallthis]

[He's trying to reframe the way he thinks of himself, but it's...a slow process. Glacier speed, really. Until then, he knows Steve can believe in him enough for the both of them.]

Depends on your plans for going to bed. [He says softly.]

[capnrogers]

[ Steve absolutely will, until Bucky believes it, and even further than that. ]

I was hoping I could start by kissing you all over, and then go from there?

[notworthallthis]

That does sound really nice. [He admits with a soft hum of approval at the idea.]

👀

[capnrogers]

Yeah? Good. I really think so too.

[He's already kissing along Bucky's neck, but now he starts moving them toward the bedroom, nice and slow. Kissing Bucky is his absolute favorite thing, and he's never shy about going in for them when he gets the chance. ]

I just wanna love on you all night. Make you feel incredible.

I'll write to a fade to black point, if you want, I just don't write full-on smut, fyi but 👀

[notworthallthis]

[His words are spoken between short, peppered kisses as he follows him, chasing the chance for more.]

That... actually sounds... really... really good to me. [He chuckles softly.]

Oh okay! You can fade them out wherever you feel more comfortable!

[capnrogers]

[ Steve smiles into each kiss that Bucky chases, happy to meet his lips when he can. Once they hit the bedroom, his hands slide under Bucky's shirt, caressing his skin with his fingers splayed out, hoping to slide his shirt off of him once their kiss breaks.

He wants Bucky to feel good tonight. Special, and worth loving, because that's all Steve sees in him. ]

perfect 👌

[notworthallthis]

[There's a dilemma presented when Steve's fingers slip underneath his shirt: He doesn't want the kiss to end, but he does want his shirt out of the way. The kiss breaks anyway, because he needs oxygen and he takes that moment to let Steve slip his shirt out of the way.]

You next- [He murmurs, kissing him again, but grinning into it at the same time as his fingers tug eagerly at the hem of Steve's own shirt.]