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[notworthallthis]

PSL with beyourzoomer
Word association: Guilt
2. I need advice on ways to politely say "fuck you on your way to hell."

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[beyourzoomer]

[Breakfast had been a little awkward. Not in the she couldn't stand it way, just -- in that way that she was 15 and he was an adult and apparently there's a good chance they're related but they're also basically still strangers. Knowing who he really is may have alleviated most of the distrust she reserves for the majority of adults, but she's still a little wary on principle alone. She'd been skeptical of Steve too, at first, but he'd proven himself worthy of trust relatively quick.

The car, at least, provided more of a sense of ease than the cafe, because the car meant he had to focus on driving, and they had the radio as a buffer. She finds herself staring out the passenger window more often than not, but occasionally sneaking quick side glances at him, too. They look nothing alike, really. It doesn't mean they aren't related, of course -- lots of people are related that don't share common appearance, but it does make it a little more difficult to wrap her mind around.]

How did you...find all this out, exactly? That we might be related?

[notworthallthis]

[Breakfast gave them enough time to start trying to adjust to the other before they’re stuck in a car together. They can feel oddly claustrophobic sometimes.

But there is something more relaxed in the car, isn’t there? The radio helps them both not feel the need to keep a constant stream of conversation between them.

He glances over at her briefly and smirks softly— ]

I didn’t. Friend of mine brought the possibility to my attention.

[He doesn’t have too many of those, so it shouldn’t be hard for her to narrow it down pretty quickly.]

[beyourzoomer]

[So one of the other Avenger-types, she assumes. She supposes which one specifically is kind of irrelevant on her part. She looks out the window again, considering for a long moment before something else occurs to her, something that makes her stomach drop a little.

What were the chances that the Avengers hadn't looked into her mom's life beyond the basics? Into her life? Although, she reasons, she's only 15, so maybe they hadn't cared that much about her own. Then again, it was the Avengers. Would they be that reckless? To not do their job at vetting his potential family?

She presses her lips together before drawing in a breath and trying to ask as casually as she can:]

What else do you know about me?

[notworthallthis]

Not a lot. [He admits. Natasha had offered to 'do some more digging', but he'd insisted on it this way. He wanted whatever happened once he told her the truth to happen... as naturally as possible, all things considered.] It was pretty basic... I know you grew up in California and I can only imagine the culture shock when you moved to Indiana. Totally different vibes, right?

I didn't look very deep- I was hoping to find my sister, but a niece with a couple of 'greats' out front isn't a bad trade. [He mostly says it as a joke, with a wink to accompany it.]

I didn't want find you and just... know everything- that's weird. And it's not how you treat family. [That, he thinks, is how you treat a mission and he doesn't want her to feel like that's what she is to him. He also knows Max has a lot of examples of how not to treat family, but there's little he could do to get her out of that situation at the moment, unfortunately. Maybe one day.

One beat passes.
Two.

He adds- ]

Why? Is there something you want me to know?

[beyourzoomer]

[His admission both surprises and relaxes her. It's not expected, and for a moment she does wonder if he's being honest. But -- she knows a lot of liars and he just doesn't strike her as the type that would lie about this sort of thing. She exhales, watching him uncertainly even as he winks at her.

The part about that behavior not being how you should treat family makes her throat tighten and she looks away, tugging absently at a loose string on her jacket.

What does she want him to know about her? She's not sure yet, really. So instead:]

Did my mom tell you about Billy?

[notworthallthis]

[He shakes his head a little.] She wasn't really the chattiest with me. What about Billy?

[beyourzoomer]

Yeah, she's -- it's not you. Really.

[And that she knows for a fact.]

Billy is -- was. My stepbrother. He died a few months ago. [On the Fourth of July, actually.]

[notworthallthis]

It's all right.

[It didn't really bother him much.

He doesn't miss that slip of tense, she looks so young, suddenly, and it makes something in his chest ache.]

I really wasn't prepared for that... [He thinks being honest is the best bet, here.] Do you want to talk about it? [He keeps his voice quiet, trying to respect the fact that she'd said anything to him at all.

He knows, now that he knows, how hard this sort of thing is to speak on, by anyone, nevermind being a teenager on top of it.]

Only if you want to. We don't have to. Totally up to you.

[There's something to be said about having a choice. It doesn't matter what the choice is, just that you get to have it in the first place. He knows that better than most.]

[beyourzoomer]

[She tries to smile at his 'I really wasn't prepared for that' because she does appreciate the honesty of it. She lets out a shuddering breath, though, when he asks if she wants to talk about it. She stares out the window for a long time, clenching and unclenching her fingers.

She wants to spill everything, the whole terrible story. But most of it's not even hers to tell. Would it be right to tell it?]

There was -- an incident. At the mall. A lot of people died. He was one of them.

[She watched it happen; frozen in place, as a giant monster from another dimension murdered him.]

My mom and stepdad haven't -- been dealing with it very well.

[notworthallthis]

[An incident. That feels like coached language, an attempt at somehow softening the tragedy of her stepbrother's death, as though it being tragic, sudden, unexpected, and unavoidable somehow makes the fact that it happened at all any easier to hold. It doesn't, of course. How could it?

He just isn't sure if it's Max being coached by someone else, or if she's trying to do the coaching, so maybe he doesn't push her about it.

This is... a really hard line to toe against. How does he keep the conversation going, without stepping too far and making her slam the door shut again?]

Like... the kind of incidents The Avengers stop or more like...crazy guy on the subway's got a gun kinda incident?

How are you taking it? [It feels awful to ask, but he does genuinely want to know, if she'll tell him.]

[beyourzoomer]

[Some of it's definitely coached language. She'd been forced to sign no less than a dozen NDA's just to get to go home after things at Starcourt Mall had gone pear-shaped. But some of it's also her, afraid to say too much and possibly get her friends in trouble.

But the question there is -- difficult, too. Because of said NDA's and fears.]

The official word was a fire. [Her voice is hushed, but he can probably guess what she means from that alone, so she'll leave it there.]

Everything's been pretty shitty since then.

[She's not even sure how to answer it, all the way, in any sort of coherent way.]

He hated me. And - I didn't hate him, exactly, but we weren't close. I guess when our parents got married neither of us was what the other wanted in a sibling.

[notworthallthis]

In my experience, the official word is usually a pretty far cry from the truth. [He casts a glance over at her before turning his attention back to the road.]

At home, or in general?

[He considers that for a moment before he finally settles on: ] You know... it's okay to miss him, to... mourn him, even if you weren't close. And there's not a right or wrong way to grieve, I don't care what anybody tells you, okay? Shut yourself down for the next year. Scream at the top of your lungs at midnight in the middle of a field. That grief is yours, and it can be as big and loud or small and quiet as you want it to be.

[beyourzoomer]

Sounds about right.

[A fire couldn't be farther from the truth of what happened. But the government can't have word getting out about monsters. At least not since the Avengers weren't involved in that one.]

Both, really.

[Home has been particularly awful, the fights between her mom and Neil getting worse every day, which is why she hadn't really hesitated when he'd offered for her to come along on this little field trip.]

It has to be quiet. [And hers. No one else cared about Billy. Even his dad had treated him horribly and her mom had ignored all of it, every time Neil had gone after him.] No one else would understand. He -- no one really liked him. He was --

[She's not sure what word is really appropriate.]

Like a stick of lit dynamite.

[notworthallthis]

Wanna talk about any of that? [He’s not sure which might feel easier to divulge— home life or everything else. He’s open to listening, regardless, though.]

Why do you say that? [The rest is… rough. But even harsh and brash people can be grieved and mourned. Someone cares about them, somewhere. ]

Some people are like that… sometimes it gets better with time or age. Growing up and growth are not mutually exclusive.

[beyourzoomer]

[She lays her head back against the headrest.]

Billy had a way of tormenting people. Me. My friends. [She still can't hardly think about what he'd done to Steve that night. If she hadn't intervened -- Billy might have been in jail and Steve might have been dead. Probably would have been, given the beating her stepbrother had dealt out.]

It wasn't really his fault. I mean, it was but...he was just doing what he knew to do.

[notworthallthis]

Tormenting how, exactly? [Not that any style of torment is good or even necessarily one better than the other. But knowing whether he was taunting and teasing, or if he got particularly physical provides a certain sort of context to the bigger picture.

Still. He hedges the question carefully, because he knows this is not an easy topic. She barely knows him and she has no reason to tell him any of this, despite any potential familial relationship that may technically exist between them.]

It’s a really simplistic statement for something much more complicated, and it doesn’t excuse anyone’s action but… hurt people hurt people. It says a lot about you that you understand that perspective, even though you were also one of his targets.

[beyourzoomer]

Depended on his mood. [She paused, exhaling.] He liked to yell. And break my things if I pissed him off. Sometimes he'd drive too fast to scare me. Or -- pretend like he was going to run people over, run them off the road. [She grew quiet for a long moment.] Sometimes it was worse. He went after this guy I liked -- and when another friend intervened, he beat the hell out of him. Almost killed him.

[Her relationship with Billy had been complicated until that night, never knowing what might set him off and cause him to fly into a rage. When she'd ended up threatening him with a nail bat to his balls, though, he'd kept a healthy respect for her after that, mostly.]

But...he cooled down a bit after that. Not that he wasn't still an asshole -- but he didn't really mess with me or my friends anymore. [Until he'd gotten possessed by the Mind Flayer, of course. But that hadn't been Billy at all.]

But...yeah. You're right. [Her voice is hushed. Hurt people hurt people had been Billy in a nutshell.]

[notworthallthis]

[There's a softly muttered, 'Jesus Christ' under his breath as she explains it. Almost textbook abuse, really. And more than he would have expected for her to hand him, but maybe once she started, it was just easier to keep going. Maybe it's because she doesn't know him it's easier to talk to him.]

That's one helluva a household you're coming from. [Abusive step-dad, abusive step-brother, negligent mother... It's way more than one kid should have to be dealing with.]

[beyourzoomer]

[It's the most she's talked about Billy with anyone, really. She tended to bottle things up and keep quiet. Maybe it really is easier to talk to someone she doesn't know very well. The soft Jesus Christ, though, makes her tear up for some stupid reason. She holds her breath for a moment, blinking a few times to try and hold them back instead of letting them fall.]

Yeah. Still sure you want to be part of the family?

[There's no bite to her tone, just...flatness. Because she won't blame him if he decides that nope, this life is not for him. She's not sure this life is for her most of the time anymore.]

[notworthallthis]

[Bucky can tell she's trying not to cry, but he pretends not to notice, eyes focused on the road in front of him.

When she speaks, he does glance back over at her, manages a small smile.]

Every family has its problems, some just have more or bigger ones than others.

[beyourzoomer]

[She appreciates that he doesn't call her out on the tears. But she raises her eyebrows when he says that.]

Well. We definitely weren't the Brady Bunch, that's for sure.

[notworthallthis]

I don't think anyone's family is like that. [He snorts softly.]

[beyourzoomer]

Oh, I don't know. I have a friend whose family that's pretty close. Only two kids though, not six.

[notworthallthis]

Yeah? [He smirks slightly. At least she’s talking again.] Well, they’re one in a million, then, maybe.

[beyourzoomer]

Yeah, maybe. [She considers for a long moment, then glances at him sideways.]

What was it like? For you, I mean. Growing up.

[notworthallthis]

I was the oldest of four, and we moved a lot cause our Dad was in the Army.

[Packing everything up to head to another base on the whim of the government was… not the best way to live, but Bucky had borderline idolized his dad back then. He wanted to be just like him.]

He died in an accident during a training exercise… mom didn’t last long after losing him, either. My siblings went with family, and Sarah Rogers kinda unofficially adopted me.