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notworthallthisYou're looking for something. Something mostly inconsequential, maybe a pen or a piece of paper. You really aren't even trying to snoop. But when you pull open that junk drawer in the desk, something falls on the floor. Not finding what you seek, you lean down to pick up whatever fell so you can put it back, but something catches your eye on it. Curiosity rises and you decide it can't hurt to take a little peek. You two don't have secrets from each other anyway.
It's a letter.
Addressed to you.
It's a letter.
Addressed to you.
If you're going to fall in love with me, here are some of the things you should know first:
• I am afraid of being alone and terrified of letting people in. My walls are high and thick, it's going to take time for them to start coming down, and it may not be permanently gone just because you managed to get through it once.
• When I look at myself in the mirror, I only see the darkness, the clouds in my eyes, the river of blood flowing over my hands. You deserve more than the demons inside my head.
• It won't matter how long you stay, if you're here until your dying breath, I'll probably always be a little scared one day you'll realize you deserve better than this and you'll leave.
• I'm a lover over a fighter if I have the choice, but you have to know I'll always end up pulled back into a fight at some point. I can't walk away when I know I could save someone.
• I can be cold and distant or needy and clingy, and I can't really plan for which way I'll feel. I can't flip it like a light switch. Please remember, it's not something you did. I just have to go through some things on my own.
• Sometimes, I wake up screaming from nightmares that are really just memories resurfacing. Sometimes, it's violent. I don't want to hurt you, but I might not even recognize you. I haven't found a good way to deal with this, except to live alone...
• Sometimes, I'm just sad for no real reason. No specific anniversary date of something tragic at all. It happens.
• I have enough blood on my hands and guilt in my heart that I'm not sure will ever heal. Maybe I'm not supposed to heal, not completely. Maybe the pain stays because I deserve to feel it.
• In general, directions are better than questions. Don't think of it as being bossy or giving me commands. Hopefully it won't feel that way to you, but if it does, just remember... it's better for me. Anything that takes away doubts of what's wanted or needed is better.
• I'm terrible at asking for things I need. Even worse if it's just something I want. I need reassurance, sometimes more than I like to admit. I may not believe your compliments in the moment, but I need to hear them as much as I need water and oxygen. Don't stop.
• Open-ended choices might make me freeze, if you narrow it down to a handful of options, it'll probably work better if I seem like I'm stuck.
• I am touch starved and touch averse at the same time- I crave it and fear it in equal measure. I need you to go slow. I need movements telegraphed so nothing feels too sudden.
• I love richly and deeply. You'll wake up to sticky notes on mirrors and I'll share poetry that made me think of you. I can be intense sometimes, but I think usually it's to my advantage when it comes to those things.
• If I've told you I love you, you don't have to question it because I tried to talk myself out of it at least a dozen times before I even admitted to myself and it probably took me twice that many times before I found the right moment to say it anyway.
• When I look at myself in the mirror, I only see the darkness, the clouds in my eyes, the river of blood flowing over my hands. You deserve more than the demons inside my head.
• It won't matter how long you stay, if you're here until your dying breath, I'll probably always be a little scared one day you'll realize you deserve better than this and you'll leave.
• I'm a lover over a fighter if I have the choice, but you have to know I'll always end up pulled back into a fight at some point. I can't walk away when I know I could save someone.
• I can be cold and distant or needy and clingy, and I can't really plan for which way I'll feel. I can't flip it like a light switch. Please remember, it's not something you did. I just have to go through some things on my own.
• Sometimes, I wake up screaming from nightmares that are really just memories resurfacing. Sometimes, it's violent. I don't want to hurt you, but I might not even recognize you. I haven't found a good way to deal with this, except to live alone...
• Sometimes, I'm just sad for no real reason. No specific anniversary date of something tragic at all. It happens.
• I have enough blood on my hands and guilt in my heart that I'm not sure will ever heal. Maybe I'm not supposed to heal, not completely. Maybe the pain stays because I deserve to feel it.
• In general, directions are better than questions. Don't think of it as being bossy or giving me commands. Hopefully it won't feel that way to you, but if it does, just remember... it's better for me. Anything that takes away doubts of what's wanted or needed is better.
• I'm terrible at asking for things I need. Even worse if it's just something I want. I need reassurance, sometimes more than I like to admit. I may not believe your compliments in the moment, but I need to hear them as much as I need water and oxygen. Don't stop.
• Open-ended choices might make me freeze, if you narrow it down to a handful of options, it'll probably work better if I seem like I'm stuck.
• I am touch starved and touch averse at the same time- I crave it and fear it in equal measure. I need you to go slow. I need movements telegraphed so nothing feels too sudden.
• I love richly and deeply. You'll wake up to sticky notes on mirrors and I'll share poetry that made me think of you. I can be intense sometimes, but I think usually it's to my advantage when it comes to those things.
• If I've told you I love you, you don't have to question it because I tried to talk myself out of it at least a dozen times before I even admitted to myself and it probably took me twice that many times before I found the right moment to say it anyway.
If you've made it this far, uh... thanks. It means more than I have the words to explain. If all this doesn't make you want to run far, far away from here... thank you. If you want to talk about any of this, just let me know. I'll try to be as much of an open book as I can.
I love you.
Thanks for loving me, too.
-JBB
I love you.
Thanks for loving me, too.
-JBB
no subject
Date: 2025-01-03 07:35 pm (UTC)[He returns softly, that love deeply engrained in every look he gives Bucky. Every expression. It'll always be there, because he always feels it, and he knows he's the luckiest man to have that love returned.]
I'm so proud of you, Buck. It takes a lot to know yourself in this way and write it all down. Share it with someone. You're incredible.
[Steve has all the faith in the world. Even when Bucky had been at his lowest, he had that faith. Bucky's heart has always been unmatched.
It barely takes a moment for Steve's arms to slide around Bucky even more, circling around his back completely. He squeezes back tightly, knowing that's exactly what Bucky wants when he holds him in this way. He's learning Bucky's wants and needs, even when the other is unable to say them out loud. He squeezes tight enough where it almost feels like he could pull Bucky into himself, dropping his head down into the crook of his neck as well, and leaving a kiss there.
Nothing feels better than this. It feels like home.]
no subject
Date: 2025-01-08 01:21 pm (UTC)[His chest swells in that way that feels a little like it might burst, the silent heave of a soundless sob wracking over his body as Steve's arms circle around him tightly. So tight and warm and, God, how is he supposed to live with this much emotion in him, with no good way to get it out? Words fail him too often, and his actions never feel like enough. Nothing he could ever do, no words he could spout, could ever make him really know that Steve knew how much of him was his and his alone.
Steve held his heart in his hands, and he's never had to think twice about letting it stay there; he knows beyond any doubt, any inkling of uncertainty or doubt, that he would never hurt him.
He's quiet as Steve speaks, soft murmurs in his ear after the he's done telling him how proud he is of him. How amazing he is. And, God, that makes the warm buzzing under his skin seem to light up, warmth spreading across him.
His ear is pressed against chest, listening to the soft one-two, one-two beat of Steve's heart. Steady and strong, a far cry of the scrawny kid picking fights he couldn't win in alleyways.
Slowly, the silent, heaving sobs gently ebb away as lips brush lightly against his neck. Bucky feels himself sinking further and further into the wall of a man in front of him. No words have found him, and he doesn't much want to move, so he just stays like that until Steve wants to shift or move or pull back and look at him. ]
no subject
Date: 2025-01-08 08:30 pm (UTC)And so when Bucky lets out those quiet sobs, Steve holds him even tighter, wanting him to know that it's alright. He can let it out in any way he needs to. He'll be here for him.
Even in this way, Steve is proud. Bucky feels so deeply, so immensely. No matter what happened, he never let that heart of his get taken away.
Steve doesn't really want to move either. He just keeps kissing up along Bucky's neck. He whispers soft words of love against his skin, then presses another soft kiss just under his ear.]
Thank you for trusting me with your heart.
[He says finally, nuzzling into him.]
no subject
Date: 2025-01-10 05:28 pm (UTC)The tighter circling of his arms around him is welcome, and it lets him sink heavy against Steve until he can finally breathe again.]
There's no one in this world I would trust more with it. [He says softly, tilting his head a little to give Steve more room to nudge his way into the crook of his neck.]
no subject
Date: 2025-01-13 06:48 pm (UTC)Then I am so lucky that I get to be here with you.
[Bucky's head tilts, and Steve's lips follow. Soft, warm kisses pressed along all the skin he can reach. Bucky deserves all the affection in the world.]
Now... do you still want your snack, or can I take you to bed?
no subject
Date: 2025-01-14 10:39 pm (UTC)Depends on your plans for going to bed. [He says softly.]
no subject
Date: 2025-01-14 10:49 pm (UTC)I was hoping I could start by kissing you all over, and then go from there?
no subject
Date: 2025-01-14 10:58 pm (UTC)👀
Date: 2025-01-14 11:15 pm (UTC)[He's already kissing along Bucky's neck, but now he starts moving them toward the bedroom, nice and slow. Kissing Bucky is his absolute favorite thing, and he's never shy about going in for them when he gets the chance. ]
I just wanna love on you all night. Make you feel incredible.
I'll write to a fade to black point, if you want, I just don't write full-on smut, fyi but 👀
Date: 2025-01-14 11:28 pm (UTC)That... actually sounds... really... really good to me. [He chuckles softly.]
Oh okay! You can fade them out wherever you feel more comfortable!
Date: 2025-01-14 11:35 pm (UTC)He wants Bucky to feel good tonight. Special, and worth loving, because that's all Steve sees in him. ]
perfect 👌
Date: 2025-01-14 11:50 pm (UTC)You next- [He murmurs, kissing him again, but grinning into it at the same time as his fingers tug eagerly at the hem of Steve's own shirt.]