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notworthallthisYou're looking for something. Something mostly inconsequential, maybe a pen or a piece of paper. You really aren't even trying to snoop. But when you pull open that junk drawer in the desk, something falls on the floor. Not finding what you seek, you lean down to pick up whatever fell so you can put it back, but something catches your eye on it. Curiosity rises and you decide it can't hurt to take a little peek. You two don't have secrets from each other anyway.
It's a letter.
Addressed to you.
It's a letter.
Addressed to you.
If you're going to fall in love with me, here are some of the things you should know first:
• I am afraid of being alone and terrified of letting people in. My walls are high and thick, it's going to take time for them to start coming down, and it may not be permanently gone just because you managed to get through it once.
• When I look at myself in the mirror, I only see the darkness, the clouds in my eyes, the river of blood flowing over my hands. You deserve more than the demons inside my head.
• It won't matter how long you stay, if you're here until your dying breath, I'll probably always be a little scared one day you'll realize you deserve better than this and you'll leave.
• I'm a lover over a fighter if I have the choice, but you have to know I'll always end up pulled back into a fight at some point. I can't walk away when I know I could save someone.
• I can be cold and distant or needy and clingy, and I can't really plan for which way I'll feel. I can't flip it like a light switch. Please remember, it's not something you did. I just have to go through some things on my own.
• Sometimes, I wake up screaming from nightmares that are really just memories resurfacing. Sometimes, it's violent. I don't want to hurt you, but I might not even recognize you. I haven't found a good way to deal with this, except to live alone...
• Sometimes, I'm just sad for no real reason. No specific anniversary date of something tragic at all. It happens.
• I have enough blood on my hands and guilt in my heart that I'm not sure will ever heal. Maybe I'm not supposed to heal, not completely. Maybe the pain stays because I deserve to feel it.
• In general, directions are better than questions. Don't think of it as being bossy or giving me commands. Hopefully it won't feel that way to you, but if it does, just remember... it's better for me. Anything that takes away doubts of what's wanted or needed is better.
• I'm terrible at asking for things I need. Even worse if it's just something I want. I need reassurance, sometimes more than I like to admit. I may not believe your compliments in the moment, but I need to hear them as much as I need water and oxygen. Don't stop.
• Open-ended choices might make me freeze, if you narrow it down to a handful of options, it'll probably work better if I seem like I'm stuck.
• I am touch starved and touch averse at the same time- I crave it and fear it in equal measure. I need you to go slow. I need movements telegraphed so nothing feels too sudden.
• I love richly and deeply. You'll wake up to sticky notes on mirrors and I'll share poetry that made me think of you. I can be intense sometimes, but I think usually it's to my advantage when it comes to those things.
• If I've told you I love you, you don't have to question it because I tried to talk myself out of it at least a dozen times before I even admitted to myself and it probably took me twice that many times before I found the right moment to say it anyway.
• When I look at myself in the mirror, I only see the darkness, the clouds in my eyes, the river of blood flowing over my hands. You deserve more than the demons inside my head.
• It won't matter how long you stay, if you're here until your dying breath, I'll probably always be a little scared one day you'll realize you deserve better than this and you'll leave.
• I'm a lover over a fighter if I have the choice, but you have to know I'll always end up pulled back into a fight at some point. I can't walk away when I know I could save someone.
• I can be cold and distant or needy and clingy, and I can't really plan for which way I'll feel. I can't flip it like a light switch. Please remember, it's not something you did. I just have to go through some things on my own.
• Sometimes, I wake up screaming from nightmares that are really just memories resurfacing. Sometimes, it's violent. I don't want to hurt you, but I might not even recognize you. I haven't found a good way to deal with this, except to live alone...
• Sometimes, I'm just sad for no real reason. No specific anniversary date of something tragic at all. It happens.
• I have enough blood on my hands and guilt in my heart that I'm not sure will ever heal. Maybe I'm not supposed to heal, not completely. Maybe the pain stays because I deserve to feel it.
• In general, directions are better than questions. Don't think of it as being bossy or giving me commands. Hopefully it won't feel that way to you, but if it does, just remember... it's better for me. Anything that takes away doubts of what's wanted or needed is better.
• I'm terrible at asking for things I need. Even worse if it's just something I want. I need reassurance, sometimes more than I like to admit. I may not believe your compliments in the moment, but I need to hear them as much as I need water and oxygen. Don't stop.
• Open-ended choices might make me freeze, if you narrow it down to a handful of options, it'll probably work better if I seem like I'm stuck.
• I am touch starved and touch averse at the same time- I crave it and fear it in equal measure. I need you to go slow. I need movements telegraphed so nothing feels too sudden.
• I love richly and deeply. You'll wake up to sticky notes on mirrors and I'll share poetry that made me think of you. I can be intense sometimes, but I think usually it's to my advantage when it comes to those things.
• If I've told you I love you, you don't have to question it because I tried to talk myself out of it at least a dozen times before I even admitted to myself and it probably took me twice that many times before I found the right moment to say it anyway.
If you've made it this far, uh... thanks. It means more than I have the words to explain. If all this doesn't make you want to run far, far away from here... thank you. If you want to talk about any of this, just let me know. I'll try to be as much of an open book as I can.
I love you.
Thanks for loving me, too.
-JBB
I love you.
Thanks for loving me, too.
-JBB
no subject
Date: 2025-01-03 05:21 pm (UTC)She reads it. Once. Twice. Five more times. She settled on each word and phrase. Her eyes study the curve of his penmanship and the honesty he's laid to bare in ink. Her chest aches for him. The sweet, wonderful man she's come to adore deserves so much better than what she can give him.
But maybe, in that, they're the same. She finds her favorite pen along with a fresh sheet of paper and offers him the same honesty in return. She'd tell him in person, but she's afraid she'll get it out all wrong. At least this way, she can always crumple the page and start over. ]
Dear Bucky,
I read you letter several times just to truly appreciate the depth of it. I can't tell you how proud I am of you for being able to tell me a of that.
And I hope it was meant for me. I'm going to assume so unless there's someone else who frequents your apartment when I'm not around.
I'm joking. I'm doing it because I'm nervous because you've put yourself so courageously out there, and I want to do the same. You deserve that and more. You deserve the very best because life has given you the very worst. You deserve someone without baggage and ghosts haunting them. You deserve someone who knows exactly how to move forward in life instead of hiding away from the world.
You worry that I'll leave and find your needs too much. The truth is, I worry about that too. I worry that I've overstayed my welcome and taken over your life too much. That one day, you'll gently nudge me out and make me face everything I fear about myself. I'm dangerous and volatile with more power than any single person should have. I could remake the world if I wanted. I can feel that ability everyday pumping through my veins.
When I look at you, I see the darkness, yes, but I see your light too. Your darkness matches my own, and your light guides me to a better tomorrow. Your hands might be drenched in blood, but so are mine. I think they'd fit nicely together if given the chance.
I love you, James Buchanan Barnes. Love doesn't even feel like a big enough word to encompass how I feel. I'm yours. Here, now and forever. And if you ever need reminding, I'll be happy to do so.
Always,
Your Wanda
[ She sprays it with the amber and lavender of her perfume. This time, the letter is placed in his drawers right on top of his sleeping shirts for him to find. ]
no subject
Date: 2025-01-11 11:37 am (UTC)They share the bedroom now and have been for a little while. He’s still working on staying in bed all night, but at least the nights start with the two of them curled up together, close and warm and safe. He’d left the letter where there was a chance she would find it eventually because he talked himself out of it every time he thought to give it to her himself; this way, it was left a little more to fate.
He’d almost forgotten about it, when he finds a letter in his chest of drawers. It even smells like her. What a sweet touch. Curious, he abandons the idea of a shower for the moment, moving to sit on the edge of the bed to read it. He hadn't expected her to write back to him, but it's kind of cute that she did.
When I wrote that letter, I didn't expect you to write back. If anything, I thought maybe you'd just come talk to me. But I kind of like this. Maybe it's not as personal as being face-to-face, but... it reminds me of being away at war, writing to my sisters and my Ma. Getting those letters sustained me like nothing else. I guess sometimes it's just easier to say things when you write it out.
I thought about bringing it to you a ton of times, but I never did because I didn't know how to even start the conversation. But I guess some part of me knew you'd find it eventually, and whenever you did, that would be the right time, you know? I'm just glad it didn't scare you away...
Maybe you've taken over a little in the house, but it's all things that have helped me. I've told you before, and I'll say it a hundred more times, a thousand more: You've made this more than just someplace I sleep; you've made it a real HOME now, and I'll be eternally grateful for that.
Whatever you have to face, about yourself or anything else, please just know that you never have to do it alone. I'll be with you, if you'll have me.
XOX
-JBB
This time, he leaves it out plainly in the open for her to find on the pillow on her side of the bed. Maybe this is a better way for both of them to be more open, to heal spilling ink instead of blood.