{Break me like a curse, golden ashes turn to dirt

[notworthallthis]

PSL with unclesam - Civil War AU

the thrill of the chase moves in mysterious ways
and satisfaction feels like a distant memory

After taking the time after the events of Civil War to heal in Wakanda, Bucky meets up with Steve, Natasha, and Sam on the run.

During an undercover mission gone very wrong, Bucky and Sam end up captured and locked up— the problem? Besides the fact that their new prison seems virtually impenetrable at the moment, the temperature is dangerously low.

credit

Comments

[unclesam]

"Trying. I swear."

It's a promise he's gonna break sooner rather than later. The only good thing about freezing to death. Sam won't feel the worst of it. He will just feel miserable, and then he will fall asleep. And Bucky will have to sit while his breathing slows, until it stops. Bucky will have to listen as his heart just stops, too.

It's not fair.

"Tell me.. more about our grand canyon road trip... yeah?"

[notworthallthis]

“We’re using real maps, for starters,” he says with a soft, mirthless chuckle. “And you gotta help me plan the route. I dunno what’s out there these days, we gotta make all the best stops on the way, yanno?”

He tries to keep the thoughts flowing, just words going into the empty, frozen space. He barely knows what he’s saying half the time, he just wants Sam to stay awake. Baits him about music choices or food stops just to hear his voice.

Bucky tries not to think too hard about how soft his voice is, how tired he sounds. He doesn’t want to lose another friend. Not like this.

“…Sam?” He nudges him slightly after a moment of silence that felt too long.

[unclesam]

It's pleasant. Just... listening to Bucky's voice. Just hearing him make plans for the future. It's comforting. And it keeps Sam awake longer than he otherwise might have. Keeps him warmer than any jacket or body heat would. Bucky holds him and talks about the future, and Sam thinks... maybe they could go to the grand canyon, and maybe they would kiss again. Maybe Bucky would watch him fly, and smile, and hold out his arms, and Sam would have someone to come home to, be it as a friend or...

Or...

He feels... light, here. In this space Bucky makes for him.

So light he can't tell when his eyes slide shut.

So light he doesn't realize he's no longer responding out loud.

So light he doesn't realize he's slipping away from Bucky, from the cold, from everything.

The silent moment stretches on too long. Sam is cold. Sam is silent. Sam's chest does not move.

Sam's heart makes no sound in his chest.

The room is terribly, heavily, irrevocable silent.

[notworthallthis]

The nudge is met with… nothing. No shift in weight, no quiet mumble, just silence. Just stillness.

“Sam?” Bucky can hear his own voice pitch in panic, “Sam, come on,” he shakes him a little rougher but there is no response. Just the heavy weight of another death on his hands.

And everyone will tell him it’s not his fault. The same way they’ve all said every death he’d caused as The Winter Soldier wasn’t his fault. But he knows the truth, he knows that it was his finger behind the trigger every time. And he knows he was completely useless in saving Sam.

Why does someone like him with a river of blood between his hands get to live, while someone like Sam, who only wants to do the right thing, who is practically sunshine personified, dies. Locked in a freezer. It just isn’t fair.

He doesn’t even know when he shifted to his knees, body curled over Sam’s. Bucky’s fingers curl into the jacket he’d put around him and he presses his forehead against his friend’s chest.

It just. isn’t. fair.

Bucky will survive this, wherever Steve and Natasha are, they’ll come and he’ll be alive. But he won’t be okay, not for a long while.

[unclesam]

And just like that...

The lights go out. The room is plunged in pitch black darkness, and there is a loud sound, like something powering down. The next thing Bucky will hear is the thrum of the freezer's generators shutting down, followed by hurried steps, loud voices.

They're familiar. Steve, Natasha. They found Sam and Bucky, they managed to destroy whatever this facility is running on and then...

Electronic beeping. And with a loud hiss, the massive steel doors of the freezer open, letting in a sliver of emergency light from the outside, a sliver of warmth. Just like that, there is Bucky's out... but Sam is in his arms. Sam, who stopped breathing.... how long ago?

Not that long.

Maybe, just maybe... not too long ago.

[notworthallthis]

Everything happens so quickly, he barely has time to process it as it happens. None of it matters, none of it expect the second that door opens. Bucky is pulling Sam into his arms and rushing him out into the open hallway, which feels sticky and hot compared to the freezer but he barely registers this. All of his focus is on Sam.

He hears Steve and Natasha asking him things, giving him rundowns, but none of it sinks in. He’s too busy counting chest compressions and trying not to break any ribs in the process. Every new attempt to get him breathing again is more frantic than the last.

“Come on…” he murmurs, “this can’t be what takes you out…” he hasn’t even noticed the tears in his eyes.